My mom’s getting married this weekend, 48 years after her marriage to my dad – a seven-year union that ended in divorce when I was two years old. My dad, who wanted the divorce, quickly remarried. My mom didn’t. She got sole custody, and from then on I’d see my dad two or three times a year. The rest of the time, it was my mom, my older sister, and me.
My mom is a caretaker. If people are “put on the earth” to do a particular thing, my mom’s thing is caretaking. She is most alive when caring for others. I should know, as I was part of a very small group of people – including my sister and later my grandparents – who benefited from her care.
My mom was an elementary school teacher, in part because the schedule supported being a single mom. I do not exaggerate when I say that, outside of teaching, 99% of her time was focused on my sister and me. Whether it was being the best surrogate father she could be at the father-son Cub Scout campout or carting my sister to far away soccer matches, her life was in service to ours.
We were my mom’s whole world. She sacrificed so much of her own life to give us the best life she could. For this, I feel both deep gratitude and deep guilt, the latter of which comes from wishing that she too could feel the love, support, and spotlight she shone on me and my sister.
My mom is 72, and she’s been single for 40 years – but not for a lack of trying. She’s always wanted to be married and have a partner. It’s been her longing. Actually, it might be the only thing she’s truly wanted for herself. And while these words are mine, not hers, I think she’s always wanted someone to care for her too. But she never found the right partner.
Until she met John.
We were my mom’s whole world. She sacrificed so much of her own life to give us the best life she could. For this, I feel both deep gratitude and deep guilt, the latter of which comes from wishing that she too could feel the love, support, and spotlight she shone on me and my sister.
There are some who say you shouldn’t need anyone to be happy, you shouldn’t be reliant on another person for your own happiness or security. And I’m sure there are some who have criticized my mom’s long standing desire to find a partner, calling it old fashioned or weak – “you don’t need a man!”
I’m actually of the opposite opinion. We are nothing without each other; we all need healthy attachments to thrive. My mom’s longing for a partner is a deeply human desire to feel safe, accepted, and valued. And now she gets to do it with a guy who’s a beast on the pickleball court. What more could a girl ask for?
A few weeks ago, my mom asked me if I would walk her down the aisle. She also let me know she’d appreciate me offering a toast at the reception, just as she did at my wedding last year.
I don’t have the exact words yet, but when I stand and raise my glass to Mom and John, I plan to celebrate her in particular. For a woman who has spent most of her life in service to others, I’m so happy that she is finally having the moment of her dreams. In that moment, I want her to feel the same undivided attention and care that she’s so freely given to me.
Here’s to you, Mom.
